Long Time No Blog

First thing's first:  Happy New Year!

Phew, better late than never right? hehe

So it has been a few months since I posted anything here, and I hope everyone is well (Hi to my two subs lol, way to get me all excited!).  Uni has long finished for the year and I am now on holidays, although I'm working for a few days every week.  Actually my new job is in the city, and one thing I notice on my way to and from the office are all the hijabis in Sydney Masha'Allah.  I bite back an 'Assalaamu alaikum' about 100 times a day.  I mean, I'm sure a sister wouldn't mind a random girl greeting her like that- but I am too shy to do it :/

I have been consistently continuing my studies on Islam, but now I feel like my focus has shifted slightly.  Previously, I was reading mainly about why people convert to Islam and other basic sorts of things like the importance of prayer, and why women wear hijab.  I guess I approached it just like the way you would study for a project or an assignment- you're basically just gathering information, and although it might be of interest to you and can make you consider other possibilities, you probably wouldn't act upon the things you learned or make them a part of your life at all.  I only see this now in retrospect because I realised that my attitude has imperceptibly changed.  How to explain... I now feel like Islam is not only the right path for me, but that it's simply becoming part of me.  I am thinking differently, feeling differently, seeing everything differently.  Basically, I feel like a non-Muslim Muslim lol.

Maybe that is why I have an urge to greet every Muslimah I see, I guess I feel like she's my sister.  It would also explain why clothes shopping became a whole lot more challenging.  I went shopping with one of my best friends a few weeks ago, and...I was beguiled by maxi-skirts.  Maxi-skirts, maxi-dresses, long floaty sleeves, long flowy tops... Completely beguiled.  I had no eyes for other clothes, would not give them the time of day.  Oh and we can't forget the other bewitching item: scarves.  I swear there must have been a gravitational pull around every accessories section, battering the defences of a poor innocent non-Muslim Muslim...

And that would explain why I ordered a bunch of hijabs last week.  Yep.  I went on to pearl-daisy.com and fell in love with half of Amena's stock...  I bought 6 hijabs, insha'Allah they will arrive next week (although I am having them delivered to a friends house- I'm not ready for my family to ask awkward questions about mysterious pink packages).

I'm so excited!!  They haven't even arrived and I've filled my wishlist with 6 more ^^".  And I need underscarves.. and pins... and wow I am just really excited.  Funny though, if anyone had asked me 6 months ago if I'd consider wearing hijab I would have definitely said no way, Jose.  And now I am saving my paychecks to buy scarves?  I mean, I don't know how long it will take me to start wearing hijab in public after I take my shahada, but I guess I'm subconsciously preparing myself for when the time arrives.  It is something that I want to do, for Allah's sake.  And I would be proud to represent Islam.

What did I say at the end of my last post?  I think I forgot my own advice :P

So I am making progress.  I am feeling really content and not so confused at the moment.  My main concerns are generally about my family and friends, and the many possible reactions they might have to me converting to Islam.  But even these are becoming less panicked Alhamdulillah.  I need to go about things the right way and I know my family will come around.  *fingers crossed*

~Nisanur

Summer in the City

I wrote this a month ago on campus at my university, but it has been sitting in my drafts folder until now
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It's almost summer here, and I have nothing to wear.

You would have thought this to be impossible with a wardrobe full of clothes... I guess like a lot of girls learning about Islam, my clothing choices have changed subtly.  I don't feel comfortable going outside in shorts now.. or skirts/dresses that aren't long enough to cover my legs completely.  And tops, too.  I'm wearing my 3/4 or full-length sleeves on a cyclical basis.  But the summer is only just beginning and sooner or later the weather will be climbing towards 40 degrees (Celsius).

Australian summers have this really great vibe to them.  The atmosphere is so positive (in my mind, at least).  The days get longer, the water warms up, the cicadas come out in droves..  Kids are all on summer holiday.  Some days just seem like they'll last forever.  My family & friends and I would pass our days together at the beach, road-tripping, camping, lounging out at the pool if they had one.. Such a relaxing time of the year.  Plus there's Christmas and New Years and also Australia Day, so it's a really festive time, too.

And did I mention I live one street from the beach?  I have to admit I love the beach.  I love swimming in the ocean.. feeling the sand and water on my skin.  Living near the beautiful Australian coast is great but I was never comfortable on the shore in a bikini.  I would always wear board shorts for some extra coverage.. but now is that enough?  No, not really.

So do I have to give up swimming?  Thinking I won't be chillin underwater this summer breaks my heart a little.  If only I had my own private beach, haha hah...  And going on road-trips, camping, and hanging out in the sun is going to be.. challenging.

Sometimes I think I'm getting ahead of myself.  I have to remind myself that I am not a Muslim yet!  Even if I take my shahada tomorrow, I know I don't have to change everything all at once.  Baby steps are key.

Supernova

Argh life is rough.  It is arduous.  Problematic.  Completely vexing...

Do you ever feel like all your worries are building up and up, weighing down on your mind and soul, and everything just seems way too difficult?  There are so many complicated matters popping up in my life right now.  I can't take it anymore! I can picture it as each atom of stress solidifying inside my body.. Into granite or quartz, a hard leaden weight.  It starts somewhere near my heart- gradually the atomic pellets start to accumulate.  They bind and compress becoming ever harder and denser.  Sections break away and fall heavily into my gut.. and eventually my whole body is a rocky, churning, cumbersome mess, weighted down by my own thoughts and worries.

Wow, what a cheerful post!  Sorry about that, but I was feeling like I might explode and hoped writing would calm my nerves a bit.

I've been so worried about the future, sometimes I'm feeling so lost.  InshAllah everything will work out.  Fingers crossed..

Meanwhile, a couple of weeks ago I realised there is a mosque near where I live.  I worked up my courage over a few days to email them about coming in and speaking to someone/asking questions etc.  They haven't replied and it's been a while, so I think the email address must be out dated.  Anyway last week when I had borrowed the car, I decided to drive by to see where it was and what it looked like.  I parked up a side street with the intention of going in to check it out.  I walked along the footpath.  I took a deep breath.  I approached the driveway entrance.  I directed myself to the gateway.  And, well, that was it.  Stopped in my tracks.  In front of me was a 2-meter high steel-barred gate.  I gazed at it wondering how on earth I was supposed to get through.  To my left, brick wall.  To my right, more brick wall.  I could see a beautiful mosque through the bars and yet I couldn't reach it!!  Gaaahhh exasperation!  I bailed.  How disappointed I am to see those two words written down..  But I do not surrender, there will be another battle with those cold steely bars!  I will return for the second take!

Stuff & Nonsense

Hmmmm so I am anaemic at the moment.  To cut a long story short, I'm getting treatment in the form of IM iron injections (intramuscular).  Holy cow, they are painful!  There is a chance the injections might stain my skin :(.  To be honest, I don't care about the stains (alhamdulillah so far I've had 4/5 injections and no staining), and the pain is fleeting.  But the side effects are killing my life!  Oh well, insh'Allah in another month I should start feeling the effects of the injections, which means no more fatigue and way more energy!

I am excited!  I'll really try not to take my health for granted when it's all over..

Anyway apart from that I have exams coming up.  Studying hasn't been easy with everything going on with my body, but my lecturers are all really understanding and have given me more time with assignments etc..
I'm kind of getting the hang of this Blogger thing.  So I've found heaps of interesting blogs which I'm following and reading in my spare time.. Most of them are Muslimah bloggers and their posts are a treasure trove of information. 

Writing posts feels kind of weird to me.  It's like talking about your most private matters in the most public way... such a contradiction.  And at the same time, no one knows who anyone is?  Oh well, I'll keep at it..

Nisanur

Piecemeal Sunrise

Alrighty, I think I've procrastinated long enough writing another post..
I don't really know where to start?

I have been quietly continuing my studies about all things Islam.  Mainly watching videos on Youtube, reading blogs, and reading the Qur'an.  It's hard to describe how I feel about wanting to become Muslim.  On one hand, I feel like it is the right path for me.  I believe there is no God but Allah (la ilaha illa Allah) and that Muhammad is his messenger (Muhammad rasulu-llah).  And on the other hand, I feel like there are so many complications with converting that I can't yet bare to face.  I don't really talk to my family about these thoughts.  I feel like they would jump to conclusions about why I am interested in Islam.  They would think my boyfriend is pushing me to do it.  This isn't the case at all.  Although he is over the moon that I am taking an interest and learning about his religion, I was the one to initiate it.  Also, they are all intelligent, open-minded people and I know they would accept my decision.  But I want to be absolutely sure of myself before I put the whole thing out there.  

So anyway, they don't know what I've been up to.  And while they aren't at all against Islam, there's a general suspicion-against-all-religions attitude in my household.  I think I need to start slowly broaching the subject with them.  I have been doing this a little with my Mum, making comments about hijab in particular.  For instance, when it's a windy day outside I comment on how wearing the hijab would make the weather much more hair-bearable.  Bad hair day? No time to shampoo? Perfect time for a head-scarf!  We joke about it a bit sometimes, which is actually proving to be a great way to then talk about it more seriously.  She was wondering aloud about why it is Muslim women have to cover their heads.  I think I took her by surprise because I was like "I know why!" and proceeded to give her a long explanation about modesty and respect in Islam.  When I was done, she nodded and said it would probably benefit everyone else to follow those same guidelines Alhamdulillah.

Actually hijab is one aspect of Islam I never cease to be pondering.  A year ago I thought the word itself could just be translated as 'head-scarf', and that 'hijab' was just about covering the women.  But as I am now wiser (hah) I have learned so much about what 'hijab' actually entails.  First of all, it applies to both men and women, and is sensitive to showing respect and modesty for yourself and for others.
One facet of hijab that really resonates with me: Men and women both should lower their gaze when it comes to the opposite sex.  How great is that?  I dress pretty modestly already, but I cannot even count how many times I have felt uncomfortable out in public with men looking at me.  Nothing to do with being uncomfortable with myself, but rather being uncomfortable with the way they were looking.  If a man is looking at a girl's body, I'm pretty sure there are only a limited number of things that could be going through his mind.  I have enough respect for myself to want to cover up.  The same goes for girls, I mean what sort of attention do you aim to receive by being flirty with your eyes..?  This aspect of hijab just exudes respect, inter- and intra-respect.  OK, I think I made those terms up.  But I hope it makes sense; respecting yourself, respecting others, and having others respecting you.

Oh man, I was struggling to start this post and now I take a breather and realise I've almost rambled out an essay.  Oops :S  There's more to say, but I'll separate into a few posts so it isn't all jumbled up.  Wow this was helpful!

x Nisanur

Hello World!

Asalam Alaykum!

The thought just crossed my mind that creating a blog might be a useful way for me to process my thoughts right now.  I really don't expect anybody to read it, apart from little old me!  I am 21 years old, a young lady living with my lovely parents and older brother.  Over the past few months I have been studying Islam, and feeling its irresistible call... I feel Allah has planted a seed in my heart, and my love for and yearning to know more about Islam is growing stronger every passing day :)

I'm actually a really private person, and Nisanur is not my real name (yet :p).  At the moment I'm trying to learn as much as I can about Islam and am really thinking of taking my shahada soon.

My sweet, beautiful boyfriend is the main reason I became interested in Islam.  He is Turkish, and is studying his degree in Australia at the same university as me.  We met in February of this year, after randomly bumping into each other on campus a few times.  He asked me out for a coffee and the rest, as they say, is history.  I learned that he was Muslim, but I didn't really know anything about Islam except for the five pillars of faith.  Just the very basics.  I wanted to know more about what he believed, and so started reading about Islam in my spare time.  He never asked me to learn about Islam, and only recently have I begun talking openly about it with him.

Now, I was brought up in a very non-religious household.  My parents both went to Christian boarding schools, and are now best described as atheists, as is my brother.  When I was younger, I used to go to a Christian youth-group with my friends, more because of the social aspect than any real interest in religion.  As I got older, around 12 years old, I would have called myself a Christian.  I went to youth-group every Friday, and felt I believed fundamentally in God.  Later though, as I learnt more about Christianity, I found myself more and more dissatisfied with what we were taught each week.  I didn't understand the Trinity.  I didn't agree with how women were treated in the Bible.  I hated being told to 'just have faith'.  I stopped going to youth group, and thought maybe my parents were right.

I guess I was Agnostic from then on.  In my mind, I had my own theory about how God should 'be'.  I'd joke about starting my own religion, one which saw God as an all-encompassing entity, with no recognizable form- not male or female.  This God would be like.. a presence, not even anything comprehensible.  The Creator of everything- All-Knowing, Loving, Merciful, Benevolent.  One.

A few months ago, when I started expressing some interest in Islam, my boyfriend gave me some brochures he'd brought from the campus mosque.  Something I read really struck me.  I read about Allah.  The description they gave of Him was exactly like what I thought God should be..!  I think that just triggered something in me, because since then I have been devouring anything about Islam.  I read conversion stories, I watch videos, and now I read an English copy of the Qur'an in secret.

I think last week I developed a block, though.  My boyfriend will be away for months, and I have no female Muslim friends.  I have many questions and I think I need a long girly chat.  Fortunately I stumbled across a few channels on youtube belonging to some beautiful Muslim girls.  They make Islam feel real to me now, not something abstract.  If I could, I would love to say thank you to Saluff, ValleyGurlFrmHell, and YazTheSpaz89.. You ladies really made me feel less scared, much more comfortable with everything :)

Anyway, that is my ramble of a post.  First post, ever! Woohoo!!  I guess I'll be writing more (probably sporadically) about my 'adventure' embracing Islam (InshaAllah), and maybe other things too.. I mean I have never used a blog before, I'm not quite sure how it works or if anyone will look at this?  In the meantime, much love and take care!

Nisanur