Summer in the City

I wrote this a month ago on campus at my university, but it has been sitting in my drafts folder until now
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It's almost summer here, and I have nothing to wear.

You would have thought this to be impossible with a wardrobe full of clothes... I guess like a lot of girls learning about Islam, my clothing choices have changed subtly.  I don't feel comfortable going outside in shorts now.. or skirts/dresses that aren't long enough to cover my legs completely.  And tops, too.  I'm wearing my 3/4 or full-length sleeves on a cyclical basis.  But the summer is only just beginning and sooner or later the weather will be climbing towards 40 degrees (Celsius).

Australian summers have this really great vibe to them.  The atmosphere is so positive (in my mind, at least).  The days get longer, the water warms up, the cicadas come out in droves..  Kids are all on summer holiday.  Some days just seem like they'll last forever.  My family & friends and I would pass our days together at the beach, road-tripping, camping, lounging out at the pool if they had one.. Such a relaxing time of the year.  Plus there's Christmas and New Years and also Australia Day, so it's a really festive time, too.

And did I mention I live one street from the beach?  I have to admit I love the beach.  I love swimming in the ocean.. feeling the sand and water on my skin.  Living near the beautiful Australian coast is great but I was never comfortable on the shore in a bikini.  I would always wear board shorts for some extra coverage.. but now is that enough?  No, not really.

So do I have to give up swimming?  Thinking I won't be chillin underwater this summer breaks my heart a little.  If only I had my own private beach, haha hah...  And going on road-trips, camping, and hanging out in the sun is going to be.. challenging.

Sometimes I think I'm getting ahead of myself.  I have to remind myself that I am not a Muslim yet!  Even if I take my shahada tomorrow, I know I don't have to change everything all at once.  Baby steps are key.

Supernova

Argh life is rough.  It is arduous.  Problematic.  Completely vexing...

Do you ever feel like all your worries are building up and up, weighing down on your mind and soul, and everything just seems way too difficult?  There are so many complicated matters popping up in my life right now.  I can't take it anymore! I can picture it as each atom of stress solidifying inside my body.. Into granite or quartz, a hard leaden weight.  It starts somewhere near my heart- gradually the atomic pellets start to accumulate.  They bind and compress becoming ever harder and denser.  Sections break away and fall heavily into my gut.. and eventually my whole body is a rocky, churning, cumbersome mess, weighted down by my own thoughts and worries.

Wow, what a cheerful post!  Sorry about that, but I was feeling like I might explode and hoped writing would calm my nerves a bit.

I've been so worried about the future, sometimes I'm feeling so lost.  InshAllah everything will work out.  Fingers crossed..

Meanwhile, a couple of weeks ago I realised there is a mosque near where I live.  I worked up my courage over a few days to email them about coming in and speaking to someone/asking questions etc.  They haven't replied and it's been a while, so I think the email address must be out dated.  Anyway last week when I had borrowed the car, I decided to drive by to see where it was and what it looked like.  I parked up a side street with the intention of going in to check it out.  I walked along the footpath.  I took a deep breath.  I approached the driveway entrance.  I directed myself to the gateway.  And, well, that was it.  Stopped in my tracks.  In front of me was a 2-meter high steel-barred gate.  I gazed at it wondering how on earth I was supposed to get through.  To my left, brick wall.  To my right, more brick wall.  I could see a beautiful mosque through the bars and yet I couldn't reach it!!  Gaaahhh exasperation!  I bailed.  How disappointed I am to see those two words written down..  But I do not surrender, there will be another battle with those cold steely bars!  I will return for the second take!