Piecemeal Sunrise

Alrighty, I think I've procrastinated long enough writing another post..
I don't really know where to start?

I have been quietly continuing my studies about all things Islam.  Mainly watching videos on Youtube, reading blogs, and reading the Qur'an.  It's hard to describe how I feel about wanting to become Muslim.  On one hand, I feel like it is the right path for me.  I believe there is no God but Allah (la ilaha illa Allah) and that Muhammad is his messenger (Muhammad rasulu-llah).  And on the other hand, I feel like there are so many complications with converting that I can't yet bare to face.  I don't really talk to my family about these thoughts.  I feel like they would jump to conclusions about why I am interested in Islam.  They would think my boyfriend is pushing me to do it.  This isn't the case at all.  Although he is over the moon that I am taking an interest and learning about his religion, I was the one to initiate it.  Also, they are all intelligent, open-minded people and I know they would accept my decision.  But I want to be absolutely sure of myself before I put the whole thing out there.  

So anyway, they don't know what I've been up to.  And while they aren't at all against Islam, there's a general suspicion-against-all-religions attitude in my household.  I think I need to start slowly broaching the subject with them.  I have been doing this a little with my Mum, making comments about hijab in particular.  For instance, when it's a windy day outside I comment on how wearing the hijab would make the weather much more hair-bearable.  Bad hair day? No time to shampoo? Perfect time for a head-scarf!  We joke about it a bit sometimes, which is actually proving to be a great way to then talk about it more seriously.  She was wondering aloud about why it is Muslim women have to cover their heads.  I think I took her by surprise because I was like "I know why!" and proceeded to give her a long explanation about modesty and respect in Islam.  When I was done, she nodded and said it would probably benefit everyone else to follow those same guidelines Alhamdulillah.

Actually hijab is one aspect of Islam I never cease to be pondering.  A year ago I thought the word itself could just be translated as 'head-scarf', and that 'hijab' was just about covering the women.  But as I am now wiser (hah) I have learned so much about what 'hijab' actually entails.  First of all, it applies to both men and women, and is sensitive to showing respect and modesty for yourself and for others.
One facet of hijab that really resonates with me: Men and women both should lower their gaze when it comes to the opposite sex.  How great is that?  I dress pretty modestly already, but I cannot even count how many times I have felt uncomfortable out in public with men looking at me.  Nothing to do with being uncomfortable with myself, but rather being uncomfortable with the way they were looking.  If a man is looking at a girl's body, I'm pretty sure there are only a limited number of things that could be going through his mind.  I have enough respect for myself to want to cover up.  The same goes for girls, I mean what sort of attention do you aim to receive by being flirty with your eyes..?  This aspect of hijab just exudes respect, inter- and intra-respect.  OK, I think I made those terms up.  But I hope it makes sense; respecting yourself, respecting others, and having others respecting you.

Oh man, I was struggling to start this post and now I take a breather and realise I've almost rambled out an essay.  Oops :S  There's more to say, but I'll separate into a few posts so it isn't all jumbled up.  Wow this was helpful!

x Nisanur